Stupid O-chem Test

It seems like that life gets more complicated and harder when one gets older. I just read the first few months of this blog. I read a few entries that I wrote four years ago. Many things that happened since then. I'm happy that I started this blog because it allows me to write about things so I won't forget them. I have forgotten many things that happened to me and what I learned in my first dojo. I was very surprised that I learned how to arm bar. I wonder if it was correct. I loved that dojo because I'd always get highs from working out so hard. Sometimes, I would get lost when reading my past entries. I'm sorry whoever reads my blog if they get lost of what I'm talking about.

Everything was so simple when I was that young. I've matured and changed a lot especially in the past year. I've learned that I need to be more responsible and plan things better. Yesterday, I spent the whole day on the internet mostly watching Muppet videos. I should have gotten off to do my O-chem homework. I should have gotten to bed early so I can do O-chem all day today. However, I worked on it for four hours. I finally finished that chapter I've been trying to finish all week. Now, I'm really behind because I still have to work on a whole chapter that I was just tested on. I did pretty well I guess on the test for not going through a whole chapter of problems. I'm still disappointed in the 60 percent on the multiple choice part. It's still really disappointing because I got an 88 percent on the that part for the first test. I have to put everything on hold because I need to catch up. I shouldn't have read my old entries. I still need to clean the bathroom because cleaning checks are tomorrow.

I did really poorly on the written portion on the test because I didn't give myself enough time. I only gave myself two hours. Probably, I needed at least two and a half hours. I'm guessing that my grade will be a fifty percent. I just want to keep on doing BJJ though and put everything else on hold, except for church. This is so depressing. This is why everything is so hard. BYU is really hard.

I'm Over Kids Teasing Me

Guess what????? Brother Adams is back in Spokane. I wish I could visit him in person. :( However, I'll call him on Monday to say hi. He's like a second father to me. I love him so much.

I want to write about the things that Dave told me this morning in class. However, I can't write that long because I really need to study O-chem. I was suppose to get done with a chapter last night. However, these problems are taking way longer that I have expected them to. I just don't want to copy all the answers from the manual because that wouldn't be studying. I need to know how to do them all so I can do well on the test. It's just last night, I was really freaking out that I wouldn't finish all the problems by the test which is tomorrow night. I still want to go to a two hour review too. However, I that depends on how many problems that I get done. Doing problems is the most important thing I can do to prepare for this test.

I want to talk about the techniques and concepts that I learned in class today. Since Paul Tom hurt his hamstring on Tuesday night, Dave taught the class. He has been doing BJJ for five years now and was unsure about my name today. He called me the right name though. I love working with him because he very knowledgeable and doesn't mind to teach one on one. He said whenever I work with people who has more experience than me to ask them what they did and how to defend from that so that they may teach me.

I learned that I need to keep people busy when they are in my guard. I pull them down to my level, come up to their level by sitting up, or attack. There's a modified Ezekiel that I practiced today that I have learned in Roberto's dojo. I just learned it from mount. Today, I learned that one can do it from guard either on the back or sitting in his lap. It when I put one arm around the neck, grab my gi sleeve with the same arm, then drive my fist into their neck right at the artery. I used that move twice today.

Then, learned a move which Pinky did all the time with me. We are suppose to open the guard whenever a person stands so that he won't slam you on your back. I thought that one can't do that in BJJ. That's what I learned in the BYU club. I just though of something. I might had gotten injured in Roberto's dojo because I was slammed a little and my lungs had air at that time too. If one has air in the lungs while being crushed, the ribs don't have anywhere to go and crack. Anyways, this move really works when one has one hand in the lapel and the other grabbing the sleeve cable grip style on the same side. When I break my guard, I have to automatically put my feet on his hips so there will be tension. Then, lift him up into the air and follow him into mount with tension of your arms. Dave said to grab with your feet; however, I don't see that's possible. He said that this move called the balloon.

A really easy way to pass a guy's open guard, when they have just opened it is, is to push their knees together and really lean onto them. Grab both gi pants. Then, yank the knees off very suddenly and land on the guy. They won't really expect it.

Dave said I get too emotional when grappling. He said that I still angry at the people who have teased me when I was a kid. So, I try to get revenge on them when grappling. Then, he said I was mad at my dad too. I'm totally not mad at Dad. I think that I'm over what happened to me as a kid. I can see other people getting mad at kids and never forgive them as adults. Then, they try to prove themselves when grappling. I'm pretty sure that I've forgiven my uncle too. I don't hold grudges too. I have forgiven everyone who has trespassed me. I don't believe that I have not forgiven anyone at a subconscious level either. I don't really believe that there's a subconscious anyways. Probably, my psychology is different from most because of my Autism.

I think I get too emotional because I really care how well I do in this sport. I don't like losing all the time and get frustrated. Dave said to throw my emotions out the window when rolling because they are hurting my technique. Maybe, he's saying that when I get emotional I used muscle instead of technique. That totally makes sense because I'd always throw not as far in the ring. Maybe, I'd get too emotional there and tense. Me wanting to take revenge doesn't make sense in terms of the ring. I don't think that my love for BJJ is hurting me either. I don't think that one should throw that out the window too.

I think it's just Satan minions trying to get to me because I can listen to them like I do with the Spirit. I just need to remember that more experienced people and bigger guys will always pretty much win me because they have 40 percent more upper body strength than me. The more I progress, the more I will win with beginners. I'm able to control them more and more.

I say screw the idea I get emotional because of kids and teenagers. That way two lives and over five years ago. Screw the idea that I'm trying to take revenge on anyone who has hurt me. The people who has hurt me the most are Sensei Chinen, Uncle Rich, and Roberto. Probably, they are the one's who I'd like to take revenge. However, I'm over all of them including the kids and teenagers at school. However, I'm more wary of trusting people. I just don't want to be taken advantage of by anyone. I'll just see where my emotions are exactly when grappling. Plus, I don't know much technique when grappling anyways. Most of it is instinct. I'll work on not becoming frustrated and going all out. When grappling with Cameron, I treated him as a predator because Dave said to treat all men like that. So, I really went all out. It was wonderful too because I really got a good workout. However, I cried afterwards because I was frustrated. So, I just need to see where are my emotions. Plus, Dave maybe misreading me too when I spar. Like today, he said that I had emotion when rolling with the new guy. However, I was calm and happy when grappling with him. I'm rougher with guys who have more experience like with Dave. Maybe, he's seeing that as aggression. I give up on who's seeing what. All I know is what I feel inside. Well, I need to do O-chem. I've been writing for three hours.

I think that Dave is way off about me getting frustrated or getting too emotional. Sparring should be playing and having fun. Well, I just read of another mindset that I need to really keep in mind. I need to remember that experience is a big factor and whether my training partner is a guy. Most of the girls are really easy to beat. I never train with them. I always train with guys because they are just as big as me and stronger. This means I have to work harder to pull off techniques. Again most of my defense is instinctual, so most of it isn't really composed of techniques. However, all my attacks are techniques because I don't naturally know how to choke or submit a person. I've been noticing that my defense is working and that I'm attacking people who has much less experience than me. However, I still have trouble controlling strong beginners. I just need to keep my negative emotions in check when I spar. Here are two articles that I really liked about changing my mindset: The 200 Principle and Tools in Your Box. I just need to remember that anyone who submits me is doing a favor. It gives me an opportunity to work my defense especially with my arms. I just don't to come to a point where my defense isn't improving.

Paul Tom and the Safe Place

Class was much better today than yesterday. There were two different types of chokes that I learned. One was from knee on mount. I put my far hand with four fingers inside the lapel and the other hand on the other side of the neck with only the thumb inside. Then, I twist around in north south position making sure that my elbows and my chest is on him. Then, I drive forward to finish off the choke. That was pretty easy. The next one is from north south position, but on bottom. I put my hands like the way I had in the previous choke. Four fingers in one hand and one thumb in the other hand. Then, we follow the thumb that's on the outside, twist around, and check the leg so the guy won't twist around you from top. A variation for the move is to put either leg on the neck while still having the choke. I liked to check the leg and put the other leg on the neck. It seemed like that I can choke the guy faster and didn't use as much strength. The last move I did was from knee on stomach. I get to that position by grabbing the lapel just under the guy's neck and then, the obi. Then, I lean forward and side my knee on the inside of my arm, so my arm is on the outside of my thigh. I can cross choke from here. When the guy pushes on my knee, I can grab under his bicep to pull him onto his side. Ack. I give up explain this move. I was having a horrible time learning it. Plus, I accidentally put my hand on Sid's groin. That was embarrassing. I've never done that before. It felt pretty squishy. Ha, ha. This video is a similar version of the move that I gave up explaining.



Then, I grappled with Sid. I did will with him. He submitted me once with a Darce choke. When we were grappling, professor wanted us to switch partners. So, I went up to Dave and grappled with him. Paul Tom noticed that I feel really comfortable rolling with him. He's lots of fun and softer which is good. He's not that aggressive with his strength. I think that he's also weaker than the young guys that I have grappled with since he's older. Paul Tom helped me when grappling with him by telling me what to do. That was pretty cool. One way to help me support my base while trying to break guard is put one of my legs in a forty five angle with my foot on the ground instead of having both knees on the ground. Somehow, Dave was throwing off my balance when I was trying to break his guard by putting my get against his butt and pushing back. One way to get someone from mount is when he i sitting up right, your feet on his armpits, and go out the back door. I think that's correct.

Afterwards, Dave said that I want to control him energetically instead of just using technique. I still don't know what he meant by that. Then, he said I sort of freak out when I'm mounted. I don't know. I just don't want to be submitted. Well, I told Paul Tom that he talks to much because he wanted to know what I didn't like about him. He said it's alright that I think that way. I agree with him that his students are very technical. He agrees that his students goof around a little to much. He said that he likes to talk to that they won't get too serious and hurt themselves or each other. He said that he wants to enrich his students by talking about things other than BJJ. He knows a lot about what's going on in his students lives and their issues. He certainly knows about my issues. He said that I love to take out my beating stick and beat myself with it. I know that I'm too hard on myself in certain aspects in my life. I think that in others I'm not hard enough, like doing homework and not watching video game reviews. He said that he wants his school to be as safe place where his students can be themselves. He said that Bishops aren't really prepared to take on the issues of the ward members. However, I think that they are still good to talk to because they have the power of discernment.

One another thing, he said that he has to hop when rolling over at night because he's overweight. He was making fun of himself in class. Then, he told us one time how he woke up to have a hand near his face. He thought it was some guys because it was obviously was one and when he touched it, he didn't feel anything. It turned out that he was sleeping on his arm and it fell asleep. I though that was really, really funny.

The Can Opener

This is going to be quick because I need to study O-chem. I have a test on Friday. I just want to write a little about BJJ and what I learned today. There is this 19 year old guy who goes the classes during the morning. He's really nice towards me. However, the way he does things annoy me a little. He doesn't that much of a fashionable workout pants. He doesn't own a gi. He wears socks when training because he says that he wants to learn how to grip better with his feet. That doesn't make sense because one would learn how to grip without socks on. I know in Goju-Ryu, we practiced proper stance and tried to grip the floor with our toes. If I wore socks when I did my kata, that would make gliding across the floor a lot easier. I'm surprised that he doesn't listen to our Paul Tom, our professor because he doesn't like that idea either.

I don't think that BJJ comes very natural to him. He's suppose to be strong and a guy. I'm surprised that he doesn't use his strength that much. Maybe, he does at the last minute. However, he just spazzes out and thrashes when I'm close to submitting him. He uses his strength at the wrong spots. I don't think that he has ever mounted me before. He says that he's so used to defending and that's it. He's not used to attacking anybody. Our first sparring match, I beat him with a wrist lock. I tried to armbar him; however, I couldn't make it work. Most of the time, armbars don't work for me. I'm hardly on mount anyways.

So, I let him attack while I defended pretty much minimally. He pulled me into his guard. The first thing he wanted to do is cross choke me. He almost pulled it off; however, I kneaded the bread on him which made him tap out. So, I can only do that on beginners. I did that to Brent one time. He countered by scooting away from me which made the choke even tighter. Every time he attacked me from our knees, he put me into his guard and tried to cross choke me. Of course that didn't work because I have a good defense for it. However, it does make me give up my base though. I pretty much let my lapel go around part of my head instead of my neck. Dave said that's bad because people can cross choke the jaw instead of the neck. He tried to do a wrist lock from guard which didn't work. He tried to do two armbars which were really lose and sloppy.

I'm just surprise that he can't really do anything to me. Pretty much all beginner guys give me a hard time. I can't submit them too often because of their strength. However, I'm getting better because I'm spending more and more time controlling them. I just need to get many of my submissions down. I'm like that guy, I'm so crappy at attacking because I'm always defending.

So, my neck hurts because we practiced the can opener. I stand up in someone's guard, pull at their neck to make them open up, sit on their thighs while squeezing my knees, then throw one leg across their body, and end up chest to chest. He was keeping have a lot of difficulty learning that move. He kept on not having his weight on me. It ended up that he wasn't squeezing his knees. I can defend the can opener is by making a cable grip with my hands and putting my forearm on my forehead. The guy lifted me up while I did that.

Professor said that I can keep my base in someone's guard by putting my hands on their chest instead of under their rib cage. Dave called it the bread basket. Last night, I counted how many months I've been doing BJJ. I was really surprised that I'm at the end of my six month. I should be doing a lot better than this. However, I'm doing OK because only guys that have a lot more experience than me can tap me out just like that. Except with Miller because he's about 300 hundred pounds. Last Saturday, he did a bicep crusher which I didn't see. I thought he was going to do an armbar from side control.

I was disappointed with today because I didn't really get to spar. I was submitted the guy. However, I really wanted my heart to pump and sweat. Professor, only taught us for an hour. He didn't start on time because he was talking to a lady that wanted to use his dojo. Three of his kids where there. I noticed that a guy purple belt liked to scrunch of his face periodically when professor had him show the move against another white belt. Maybe, that's why Dan said not to show anything on your face while sparring. I didn't know if anything was bothering him or not or if it was just a habit. I noticed a girl in my ward named Mo Lee likes to scrunch up part of her face periodically, probably just out of habit. There another girl named Sarah that her smile is lopsided. I met a girl in Bellingham Washington that it seemed like half of her face was paralyzed because her smile was really lopsided.

Getting frusterated

Again, I haven't written in awhile in this blog. I've been writing in my scripture blog two times a week because that's part of my assignment for my Book of Mormon class. I really like that class because it forces me to read whole chapters of BOM. Then, I have to read the institute manual and write in my blog about what I've read. I'd much rather do that than to search for random questions in all of the chapters. I had to do that for my last Book of Mormon class which I took a year ago.

This semester, I've been going to Paul Tom's school twice a week. (This sucks because I want to be careful of what I say about this school because of my last experience with Roberto's school. I just don't want to write anything that will offend anyone in Paul Tom's school.) I haven't wrote anything about his school or going to the BYU BJJ club because there wasn't anything to write about. I think that's a good thing because I cannot afford being obsessed about it like my last dojo. School and life is way to busy for me. I have a hard enough time as it is just trying to balance BJJ with school. Me getting obsessed about family history is the main reason that I fell behind in O-chem this week.

I've already taken way too long to write this post. I looked through some of the pictures on Paul Tom's site wondering if I should put any of them on this blog. I downloaded a few on my computer though. Then, I listened to a podcast which featured a woman purple belt who does BJJ. All throughout my training, I've been getting frustrated at that fact that I'm weaker than guys. They can do things to me which I know I can't do to them. They've been constantly been in side control or mount and use the kimroa or Americanna on me. It's been happening over and over for me. I'm getting frustrated because my arms are my weakest parts of my body.

I know that my legs are the strongest parts of my body. When I look at my thighs, I think that they are huge. I definitely have a typical woman's body. I'm definitely not a stick or that thin compared to 90 percent of the girls which I see running around on campus. Sometimes, I see girls who are taller than me. When taking my stats 221 class during the summer, I learned that I'm in the 95 percentile for height. However, I'm guessing that I'm in the 99 percentile for height and weight because I haven't met any girl who weighs more than me and has the same height. I've noticed that guys may be taller, however; I weigh just as much as them.

This week, I've had the opportunity of working with Dave who's pretty much as old as my Dad. He has long gray hair which he keeps in a hat. He keep that secure by wearing ear protectors. I just wear three buns. That's somewhat a pain because it takes around ten minutes for me to do my hair. He's also a doctor in psychology. I can tell too because some of the things that he wanted me say while training.

He noticed that I wasn't really resisting that much when he was in my guard. He said that I'm being to submissive. I need to look at every guy as a predator. I haven't been doing that that's for sure. I haven't been using much of my muscle when grappling. I hardly get winded at all. I've been really relaxed when rolling. However, when Dave said I should look at guys as predators, that means I have to go 110 percent all the time. That means I will use my muscle pretty much with everything. So, I grappled with Cameron who's smaller and a white belt. I put everything into that match. I haven't worked that hard in a match for a long time now. Actually, I think I did pretty good because his technique was better than mine.

Throughout that match, I was getting frustrated because he was using his muscle. Dave saw that too. So, he was in side control, I shrieked and tried to push him off of me. Normally, I don't scream that high. Of course, Paul Tom said for me not do that. I saw Dave's face though. He was pretty surprised. The match finally ended when Cameron did a choke where I didn't really know how to counter that well. I was defending his attempts at a kimora very well though.

After that match, I went into Paul Tom's office where Paul Tom and Dave was talking. Paul Tom knew that I wanted to cry because I gave it my all and still was submitted. He said that it's OK to cry. So, I did. I had tears that ran down my cheeks, but didn't interfere with talking with them. Dave said it was good that I was doing this because I was releasing my emotions. He said that many men just keep them bottled up and then, just get angrier. They said that I found a good dojo where I can do this because I alluded that crying is socially unacceptable. Dave said that releasing is actually a good thing. Through out the conversation, Dave wanted me to say that the guys are unfair to me. I said that semi believing that. It's not their fault I'm weaker than them. However, Paul Tom said that not many men will let me win without giving me their all including their strength. That makes sense. It just stinks because I would like to win some too.

Paul Tom said that my scream frightened him for a second because he feared that I got hurt. However at the end of it, he figured that it was a frustrated, I'm using no technique scream. Paul Tom said that I can use my muscle when doing techniques. That a different between using muscle and not using it.

Then, Paul Tom and I discussed why I get frustrated like this. I think it's my natural reaction when I consider myself not doing well in something. I really got frustrated at myself when I threw disk. At a meet in Anaconda, I remember running away towards the school playground and crying because I was so frustrated at myself. Paul Tom said that getting frustrated is the same thing as getting angry. Now I think about it, I think getting really frustrated at myself is the same thing as getting angry at myself because I'm not preforming to the level which I expect out of myself.