Getting frusterated

Again, I haven't written in awhile in this blog. I've been writing in my scripture blog two times a week because that's part of my assignment for my Book of Mormon class. I really like that class because it forces me to read whole chapters of BOM. Then, I have to read the institute manual and write in my blog about what I've read. I'd much rather do that than to search for random questions in all of the chapters. I had to do that for my last Book of Mormon class which I took a year ago.

This semester, I've been going to Paul Tom's school twice a week. (This sucks because I want to be careful of what I say about this school because of my last experience with Roberto's school. I just don't want to write anything that will offend anyone in Paul Tom's school.) I haven't wrote anything about his school or going to the BYU BJJ club because there wasn't anything to write about. I think that's a good thing because I cannot afford being obsessed about it like my last dojo. School and life is way to busy for me. I have a hard enough time as it is just trying to balance BJJ with school. Me getting obsessed about family history is the main reason that I fell behind in O-chem this week.

I've already taken way too long to write this post. I looked through some of the pictures on Paul Tom's site wondering if I should put any of them on this blog. I downloaded a few on my computer though. Then, I listened to a podcast which featured a woman purple belt who does BJJ. All throughout my training, I've been getting frustrated at that fact that I'm weaker than guys. They can do things to me which I know I can't do to them. They've been constantly been in side control or mount and use the kimroa or Americanna on me. It's been happening over and over for me. I'm getting frustrated because my arms are my weakest parts of my body.

I know that my legs are the strongest parts of my body. When I look at my thighs, I think that they are huge. I definitely have a typical woman's body. I'm definitely not a stick or that thin compared to 90 percent of the girls which I see running around on campus. Sometimes, I see girls who are taller than me. When taking my stats 221 class during the summer, I learned that I'm in the 95 percentile for height. However, I'm guessing that I'm in the 99 percentile for height and weight because I haven't met any girl who weighs more than me and has the same height. I've noticed that guys may be taller, however; I weigh just as much as them.

This week, I've had the opportunity of working with Dave who's pretty much as old as my Dad. He has long gray hair which he keeps in a hat. He keep that secure by wearing ear protectors. I just wear three buns. That's somewhat a pain because it takes around ten minutes for me to do my hair. He's also a doctor in psychology. I can tell too because some of the things that he wanted me say while training.

He noticed that I wasn't really resisting that much when he was in my guard. He said that I'm being to submissive. I need to look at every guy as a predator. I haven't been doing that that's for sure. I haven't been using much of my muscle when grappling. I hardly get winded at all. I've been really relaxed when rolling. However, when Dave said I should look at guys as predators, that means I have to go 110 percent all the time. That means I will use my muscle pretty much with everything. So, I grappled with Cameron who's smaller and a white belt. I put everything into that match. I haven't worked that hard in a match for a long time now. Actually, I think I did pretty good because his technique was better than mine.

Throughout that match, I was getting frustrated because he was using his muscle. Dave saw that too. So, he was in side control, I shrieked and tried to push him off of me. Normally, I don't scream that high. Of course, Paul Tom said for me not do that. I saw Dave's face though. He was pretty surprised. The match finally ended when Cameron did a choke where I didn't really know how to counter that well. I was defending his attempts at a kimora very well though.

After that match, I went into Paul Tom's office where Paul Tom and Dave was talking. Paul Tom knew that I wanted to cry because I gave it my all and still was submitted. He said that it's OK to cry. So, I did. I had tears that ran down my cheeks, but didn't interfere with talking with them. Dave said it was good that I was doing this because I was releasing my emotions. He said that many men just keep them bottled up and then, just get angrier. They said that I found a good dojo where I can do this because I alluded that crying is socially unacceptable. Dave said that releasing is actually a good thing. Through out the conversation, Dave wanted me to say that the guys are unfair to me. I said that semi believing that. It's not their fault I'm weaker than them. However, Paul Tom said that not many men will let me win without giving me their all including their strength. That makes sense. It just stinks because I would like to win some too.

Paul Tom said that my scream frightened him for a second because he feared that I got hurt. However at the end of it, he figured that it was a frustrated, I'm using no technique scream. Paul Tom said that I can use my muscle when doing techniques. That a different between using muscle and not using it.

Then, Paul Tom and I discussed why I get frustrated like this. I think it's my natural reaction when I consider myself not doing well in something. I really got frustrated at myself when I threw disk. At a meet in Anaconda, I remember running away towards the school playground and crying because I was so frustrated at myself. Paul Tom said that getting frustrated is the same thing as getting angry. Now I think about it, I think getting really frustrated at myself is the same thing as getting angry at myself because I'm not preforming to the level which I expect out of myself.