Monday, September 14, 2009

Defending myself

What did I do today?? Well, I got up at 7:08 A.M. I was suppose to get up at 6:45 to give myself plenty of time to get ready for church. I accidentally set my alarm clock to P.M. instead of A.M. I like giving myself two hours, so I can do my hair and makeup. I sort of did my hair today and didn't do my makeup. I saw more girls with short hair today and that made me want short hair even more. I wasn't really tired today at church because I slept a lot yesterday. It was pretty cool because most of the time, when I take naps during the day and stay up late, I'm still tired the next day. I think I'm going to like having church start at nine because I have the whole afternoon and evening.

After church, I ate lunch and took a nap. I fell right asleep because I don't remember feeling the tingles when icing my side. I had some awesome dreams, but don't remember them that much. I hate this!!! I want to remember more of my dreams!!! I remember a guy sticking a huge nail in his mouth to pin himself against a wall. Then, he was going do to that again when he somehow raised himself. The second time, he did it, I think I fainted in the dream. Then, Sarah came into my room asking me if she could use my stoneware. I got up and visited with Ryan and Jim. Sarah made us dinner.

Afterwards, I went to a firesite with Sarah and Katrina in the Marriott Center. I wanted to find a place to watch because I don't like the chairs there. I remember not fitting that well there. However, it was OK. I didn't get antsy and worked on my cross-stitching. When we finally found a spot to park, Sarah and Katrina walked really fast because we were a little late. That annoyed me because I can't walk fast in church shoes I always have to grab on to. I had to take them off and walk barefooted. That's fine, I just had to watch and make sure I didn't step on any rocks. I never caught up with them until we arrived at the center. I wanted them to slow down and walk with me. I thought that was a little rude.

Sister Dalton spoke to us about returning to virtue. It's a good topic to talk about to single adults because many of us have fallen of the wagon. She talked about the benefits of staying virtuous. I didn't know that being virtuous meant staying sexually pure. She talked about personal revelation too. The equated that one should have a strict training schedule so we can endure to the end. I instantly related that to BJJ because I've been training mighty hard.

She talked about repentance and how we can get back on track if we do fall off the wagon. Then, the talked about sexual abuse victims are still chaste and pure and have to come unto Christ to be healed. I just smiled when she said that because I knew what exactly she was talking about. I knew in my heart that Uncle Rich couldn't do that to be again because I know better and of BJJ. I think that he would have instantly backed off if I fought. I think that he wouldn't have physically abused me, just mentally and sexually. His body wouldn't allow him to fight me anyways and Grandma would have heard. In my heart, I know that I'm protected against those types of people.

I just always wonder if I'm able to defend myself from a complete stranger who tries to force himself on me physically. I know that I'm much better at defending myself that a year ago. I still don't if how will I handle the pain if the guy lands some good punches. Probably, I'll still fight through the pain. If the guy pulls a knife or gun, I'd try to run away first. It that doesn't work, I'll wait until the moment of the rape because I'm much more comfortable defending myself on my back than anywhere else.

I feel that I've forgiven Uncle Rich more since I've been in BJJ, which is a really good thing. I still think that it's a little weird that Uncle Rich and Aunt Wendy visited Grandma in June. I wonder if they talked about me. I know that it would be incredible awkward if I see him again. I just hope that he's really repenting and changing. I still won't ever trust him again. It comforts me that I'm wiser and more protected than a year ago.

I love BJJ. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to more tomorrow.


ZenHG said...

There is a blog linked through on my blog called Chiron, it is written by Sgt Rory Miller whom is a corrections officer and an author, you'd find his blog of interest when it comes to real-life experience and self-defense.

I'm sorry you experienced that and I am glad that you are finding strength to forgive, rather than holding revenge in your heart.

Lizzie said...